After DyingApr 6, '09 6:19 PM
for everyoneThe welcome note says everything here is a state of mind, life and death are no exceptions.
I pretend to be alive for a great number of people. Most of them people who are close to me. Close but not closest.
Some facts about me, a person already dead:
I am no longer in want. It's more pathetic than it sounds. When you ran out of things to want, you lose a great reason for wanting to live. And the reasons you have for dying gradually weighs heavier than the previous. I remember my dad saying, "Hindi lahat ng gusto mo, masusunod." And then Jillian's words followed, "Lahat ng gusto mo 'di masusunod." My earthly wants as a child is appropriate for dad's quote. But as I grew nearer to my end Jill's words became my life. All I deeply wanted i was deprived of...some intentionally some not so. Some by fate but most by decisions. The greatest of obstacles when it comes to living is you live with other life forms.
Want. I guess i can put goals under this as well. I remember my mom asking me, how do i see myself ten years from now. Fact number two I don't lie (to be further explained) therefore i told her the truth. How do i see myself ten years from now? I don't. Yeah, I don't see myself ten years from now. But mom is one of the people i mentioned before. You know, the ones i pretend to be alive for. So i told her an alternative : ten years from now i'll be a married biologist. However..i really don't have goals. The only thing I have to live for are my siblings and even now they're showing signs that I am no longer needed. Yeah, i am no longer needed (so why am i still here). Thoughts of serving God creeps to my mind. I always thought of me as a nun (well sometimes).
Fact 2: I don't lie. Yes, I don't. I have no reason to. I don't need to protect myself by lying because i couldn't care less what happens to me. How could you harm someone who's dead? Sheesh. Lies neither benefit me nor help. It's waste of time and energy so why the hell do it?
hmmmmm...there are more to be said about someone who's dead. However, i have yet to organize my thoughts. So i guess I'll leave it to the two mentioned above. Ciao.
for everyoneThe welcome note says everything here is a state of mind, life and death are no exceptions.
I pretend to be alive for a great number of people. Most of them people who are close to me. Close but not closest.
Some facts about me, a person already dead:
I am no longer in want. It's more pathetic than it sounds. When you ran out of things to want, you lose a great reason for wanting to live. And the reasons you have for dying gradually weighs heavier than the previous. I remember my dad saying, "Hindi lahat ng gusto mo, masusunod." And then Jillian's words followed, "Lahat ng gusto mo 'di masusunod." My earthly wants as a child is appropriate for dad's quote. But as I grew nearer to my end Jill's words became my life. All I deeply wanted i was deprived of...some intentionally some not so. Some by fate but most by decisions. The greatest of obstacles when it comes to living is you live with other life forms.
Want. I guess i can put goals under this as well. I remember my mom asking me, how do i see myself ten years from now. Fact number two I don't lie (to be further explained) therefore i told her the truth. How do i see myself ten years from now? I don't. Yeah, I don't see myself ten years from now. But mom is one of the people i mentioned before. You know, the ones i pretend to be alive for. So i told her an alternative : ten years from now i'll be a married biologist. However..i really don't have goals. The only thing I have to live for are my siblings and even now they're showing signs that I am no longer needed. Yeah, i am no longer needed (so why am i still here). Thoughts of serving God creeps to my mind. I always thought of me as a nun (well sometimes).
Fact 2: I don't lie. Yes, I don't. I have no reason to. I don't need to protect myself by lying because i couldn't care less what happens to me. How could you harm someone who's dead? Sheesh. Lies neither benefit me nor help. It's waste of time and energy so why the hell do it?
hmmmmm...there are more to be said about someone who's dead. However, i have yet to organize my thoughts. So i guess I'll leave it to the two mentioned above. Ciao.